What it sounds like
- I will be happy once they finally act differently.
- "I can relax once my partner finally understands." Understandings are lovely. So are boundaries with a pulse.
Cognitive distortion
Fallacy of Change
Believing you can only be okay if someone else changes.
Classic tell: I will be happy once they finally act differently.
Back to the guideFurther explanation
What is happening underneath?
Believing you can only be okay if someone else changes.
Your peace is made dependent on someone else becoming different. Sometimes people should change; your entire life still cannot be held hostage to their timeline.
How to tell
- The plan requires another person to transform before you can act.
Why people use it
- Focusing on their change delays the scarier work of choosing your own next move.
How to respond
- Ask: "What can I decide if they do not change?"
Manipulation watch
How this gets used on people.
- Self-help and relationship marketing can sell endless fixing of others as the route to peace, conveniently renewable.